Nightmares

The hospital nightmares have begun. Those awful wake up in the middle of the night, mind going a million miles a minuet, nightmare. I hate them. This first began in the weeks leading up to Malachi's heart surgery. With him, I drempt that I tripped over the bi-pass machine in the or. It unplugged from the wall and he died. I woke up crying. It was so real to me. The next nightmare I had was we were in the hospital recovering and there was a gunman on the lose. Not fun, another abrupt interruption to my sleeping. These dreams continued for days. Then Malachi had his surgery and they stopped.

Much to my surprise, I was awoken the other night to another horrifying nightmare. This time Eli was in the recovery room, intubated. The doc asked if I have ever been intubated, I answered no. He proceeded to strap me to the table and intubate me "so I could fee what it was like." But he keeps me intubated for days on a bed next to Eli. It was horrible to be awake and with it, but not able to talk or eat. Ugh.

I hate the weeks leading up to heart surgery. It's all I can think about and dream about apparently. It feels like I am living each day to get me to the next so that we can be one day close to the 31st. I feel like our life is on pause and we can't move forward until Eli's heart is fixed. I am so looking forward to the big day, but at the same time I don't want it to come. I don't want to see my baby hooked up to everything in the room with a machine breathing for him. I just don't want to do it...again. I don't want to read over the or room notes and see that they used a saw to cut his chest open or that they stopped his heart and relied on a machine to keep him alive. I just don't want to do it.  BUT...I will do it, because I know that what lies on the other side is the sweet life. Life with no meds keeping him alive, the life of no NG tubes and the life he would never have if we didn't do this surgery.

In this situation, the grass is greener on the other side. We just  have to get through the dessert to see it. And we will. Again.