Those 5 little words have been said so much. We have all heard them but have we ever really thought about their meaning? I for one never have. But today, after one of the most disappointing days I have had in a LONG time, I realized I am those words. I have little Faith. Its not easy for me to admit my short commings, just ask my husband, but today I realized those 5 little words together describe me. When ever things get dificult, or no end seems to be in sight, I turn on the negitivity and self pity. Today was one of those days, another pitty party to add to the list.
The day started bad. I got to the hospital early this morning.Josh had stayed the night and then left for work early in the morning. I was expecting to show up at the hospital and peewee be completly off oxygen. When I walked through the doors all my expecations fell on the floor. There was my sweet baby, on oxygen. My "dreams" crushed and a hard sucker punch to my gut is what the momment felt like. I did everything in my power to get him off oxygen and to see the nasty clear tubs comming out of his nose was one of the biggest let downs I have ever had. I was (and still am) so ready to go home, so ready for this to be over and so ready for my baby to be healthy again. Ughhh. Another day in the peds unit was my reality. So there I sat all day, feeling sorry for myseft and feeling sorry for peewee. It was a sob fest most of the morning. I was rude to the nurses, the residents and even the doc.(Oh what? you didnt know I have my medical degree? I dont, but I argue like I know better than the doc.) I had nothing nice to say to anyone and I justified it by saying "i have been here a week, I am allowed to be pissed." (please excuse the language) The docs decided to change some of his meds. Malachi took a 2 hours nap ith NO oxygen. I thought "we can totally go home tonight" well around dinner time, my new glimer of hope had been poped. Now they want to moniter him overnight and see if he sats drop. My first response you ask? I said " there is no way he will keep them up." Oh ME of little Faith. I went on for most of the evening with a bad attitude and tears flowing from ym eyes. I didn't enjoy the visitors we had or the smiles I was receiving from my son. I wanted, more than anything, to be told that we could go home.
Oh me of little Faith. A good friend of mine reminded me that I need to take one day at a time. A reminder I so needed! Another friend of my corrected me when I was God was really testing me by saying that He was refining me. Yet another thing I needed to hear. Im here tonight at home, enjoying time to blog and relax while my husband is up at the hospital doing night duty. Before I left I told him "this is all up to you, get Malachi through the night with no oxygen. I was so wrong. God is using this situation to refine me, to chizzle away the doubt and reshape the faith. Even as I write this I am wrestling with doubt and discouragment, but I know that He is using is to change this catipiller into a butterfly!! So tonight I will go to bed and thank God for refining me and showing me how to have faith admist the smoke!
Please take some time and pray for me tonight. Pray that I will be willing to be changed and refined. Pray that those 5 little words that describe me will soon change. And pray for Gods perfect timing and healing on Malachi. We love you all and are praying that you can be willing to be refined.
Friday, April 17, 2009
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Great post-I could read your emotions through the words and just knew exactly how you are/were feeling about this moment in life. Praying for you and your family here- my husband always asks me 'where's your faith?' when I get to that negative point- which most often happens when our lil guy is sick too....praying for peace and understanding for you and for good health for your sweet prince.
Beautiful post Erin, so honest! I know this is a tough time for you but you are doing a phenominal job! We all have our little moments and it is those times that God grows us. Although we appreciate it in the end it is painful. We cannot pray for the attributes we want, only the opportunities to display them. LOVE YOU.
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