Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The truth

The truth? I'm struggling. The weather has been beautiful around here and everyone has been out and about. Parks, cook outs, play dates with friends...we have done it all. Typically I have enjoyed the winter send off and the arrival of spring but this year it has been different. Each trip to the park, a chance to compare. Each cook out, a reminder of struggle and each play date a slap in the face. The truth? I have times when I don't want to be around other children. 

I said it and I feel guilty for it. 

Malachi is nearly 4 and still not verbally communicated in a typical way. He can't walk up the stairs, he can't swing alone, he can buckle himself into the car seat and he still struggles with eating. These are just a few of the things I am reminded of each time we are around other kids.

I know I shouldn't compare, but I do. For so long I have managed to steer clear of this road focusing on the long list of positives and brushing the negative aside to worry about another day. Well, I think that day is finally here and it sucks. It's like the black hole, once you are in it seems nearly impossible to get out.

Oh yeah and the real kicker? I get to multiply these feelings by 2. 

So what do I do? How do I get out of this place? I don't have the answer for you, not sure if I ever will. What I do know is that my children are beautiful and perfect. They are happy, active and joyful little men who light up the room when they walk in. Yes the have their challenges but we all have our own mountain to climb and we will reach the top in our own time. 


Thinker said...

Do not apologize about being real. You might want to check out Michael Cards' books about lamenting-- "A Sacred Sorrow" and "A Sacred Sorrow Experiencing Guide." Before you think lamenting is bad-- at least a 1/3 of the Psalms are laments and there is a book called Lamentations. Lamenting is more than about grieving it is about real with God and not just giving Him your happy I love you's. In the process of lamenting you will grow deeper in your relationship with God.

It is not easy but it is worth it.

Do not believe the lie it is bad to lament-- be real and experience freedom.

Julie Shaw said...

Come visit my blog!! your son is his own person!!!