Thursday, December 2, 2010

Feeling Blah

It's that time of year again and while I should be bursting with joy with all things holiday, I find myself in a funk. A fun which creeps up on me despite my best efforts to brush it off. Not only has the weather gotten cold, the snow has begun to fall and the ease of taking 2 children out has disappeared, its also Malachi's annual IFSP time. This means re-evaluations and a meeting, with his team and most likely a "discussion" or two (lets be realistic the whole meeting will be a "discussion")

After a week of evaluations, it has been determined that Malachi is behind. Go figure right? Down syndrome, premature, drug exposed, stroke, heart defect, poor vision...the odds are stacked against him. So why am I feeling so negative about the situation? Good question, but I have no freaking idea! Malachi has overcome SOOOO much, shouldn't I be happy that he is walking, crawling up the stars, signing over 40 signs...the easy answer is yes. And I am! So very thankful that his massive stroke didn't leave him paralyzed, that being born only weighing 3 lbs didn't cause him to be hooked up to an oxygen tank 24/7 and that he is doing so much...SOOO MUCH!

BUT, there are things that still get to me. Talk about how his lack of attention, his anger management skills, the fact that he STILL can not eat table food, questions about his lack of verbal speech, his lack of use in his right arm (still left over from the stroke)...so many challenges to overcome, such a long road a head of us, how can I not feel depressed? I rarely feel overwhelmed (for example, elijah's heart surgery and week stay in the hospital and Malachi's stroke 2 days after Eli got discharged followed by another week in the hospital...I like to think I endured that like a trooper) and I am struggling with how to handle it. I dont like it, not one bit. BUT this to shall pass...right?
For now I will look at these sweet faces...

and remember that we do this all for them! And they are soo worth it!

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